'WE DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD TAKE THE KIDS'

SOME PEOPLE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING

NEW BRAINTREE, MA November 24, 2011 In the horror of the immediate aftermath of a domestic violence homicide everyone asks themselves could something have been done to predict the event.  Generally, people always say they never saw it coming in the days when people stop and take the pulse of a neighborhood or community.  Yet there are always people who are not surprised by the sudden paroxysm of domestic violence and could foresee what was to come.

Reasearch shows that DVH is the product of chronic manipulation and control among initimate partners.  Red flags are the subtle and no-so-subtle signs of abuse that preceed the physical and sexual aggression associated with DVH.  I have interviewed families after the most hideous cases and was not surprised to see that some people knew what was happening before it happened.  In one recent interview the relatives of a man who killed his wife and children admitted they knew the man was planning something but "did not believe he would take the children".  How can those people live with the knowledge that they might have been able to intervene?

It is encumbant upon human beings to reach out and protect those who may be in harms way.  If we see someone standing in front of a runaway car the majority of people would do whatever they could to warn that person.  When someone stumbles and bumps their head we stop what we are doing and lend a hand.  Why does this happen and why are victims often needlessly left in danger?  Abusers are resentful, angry human beings that often have a long history of sadistic cruelty and aggression.  There should be ways to contain their aggressive impulses as we might someone who makes threats against a political figure or celebrity. 

When people admit that they knew "something was going to happen" and did nothing it speaks to an unwillingness to take a moral stand and act.  As people in the helping profession are required to act on suspicion of child or elder abuse so too should all human beings who have direct knowledge about an impending human conflagration and death.  Otherwise, we loose that which makes us unique among animals.

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL AUTOPSY

      PSYCHOLOGICAL AUTOPSY PROVIDES HOST OF INDICATORS

The aggregation of facts – including both internal and external conflict, coupled with the enduring lack of empathy, denial of responsibility, and failed ability to compartmentalize anger and resentment imbued the abuser away from the margin into the nucleus of his own violent conflagration.

The perpetrator was a socially antagonistic man who sought public approval via social media postings in the last months of his life.  In the days before the homicide he was quick to “unfriend” anyone whose opinion was out of synch with his own musing.  He had begun to slip away and his girlfriend and family began to see just how chaotic and dangerous he was becoming.

To her credit, the victim was fine mother and respected teacher.  She loved her children more than anything.  There is consensus that she liked to take care of others – before herself.  But this way of living made her vulnerable to husband’s control and intimidation raising her self-doubt, guilt, and confusion as to how to move forward in life. 

The emotional and behavioral schema for the homicide resulted from the distorted cognitive belief that the laws of society and orders of protection (PFA) do not apply to the man and an overriding belief that none of this would have happened “if he could only see his kids.” His lifelong fascination with guns and access to at least 2 of his 20-plus gun collection granted him the means to act out his violent plan.

He claimed to love his children.  No one knows whether the man truly loved his children or not – but throughout evolution, over millions of years – a parent lived to safeguard his offspring from harm and not to destroy them. This innate set of rules assured for the continuation of the species and protection of the young.  As one of my research colleagues expressed early on, “You do not kill something you love…”

The tragic folly in the man’s distorted thinking is the magical denial of wrongdoing and epoch mystification of truth on which he obsessed. This “truth”, that he had done nothing wrong, suggests a profound lack fundamental, human conventionality and emotional detachment. These human elements are central to effective parenting and healthy living.  Regrettably, this lingering truth is shared  by many across the DVH literature.  It requires that society construct a perfunctory “safety net” or statewide DV system to measure risk and significantly limit the potential for the propagation of primal rage and entitlement that shunt cognitive reasoning in the minds of those with a proclivity to commit domestic violence homicide.  To say that nothing can be done to stop DVH miscarries the real truth – that risk and harm reduction may require the containment of high risk abusers as a protection for society.

Our research has brought us in contact with one man who served 18 years in prison for the killing of his wife.  His candor proved educational as the parallels with this case are eerily similar.  When asked pointedly “what could have stopped this incident?” He replied that “nothing” could have stopped it but agreed that if he were in custody the violent cascade of events may have been derailed. 

Finally, family members who are in the crosshair of these insidious events often see but lack the knowledge to stop the emotional and behavioral kinetics once they start.  Therefore, a continuum of interagency cooperation is needed to effectively measure risk and understand the pre-incident red flags that are common underpinnings of abuse and often forecast terminal violence.  As the totality of these red flags come into focus it becomes incumbent upon each of us to take action on behalf of those most at risk – as we are mandated to do in cases of child and elder abuse. 

In respect to victims of domestic violence it is vital that red flags and risk factors become the first of its kind “road map” to reduce harm to families who find themselves in the crosshairs and assure that safety plans are not abandoned, abused, or ignored.