No More Secrets...

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SECRECY - VICTIMS KEPT WITHOUT SUPPORT

New Braintree, MA  March 27, 2012  Domestic violence impacts men and woman everywhere according to Michael Sefton, Ph.D..  In the Fall of 2011, I was involved in the psychological autopsy analysis of pre-incident behaviors of the despicable monster who killed his wife and children in Dexter, Maine.  The murder-suicide occurred in June as students across the state began their summer vacations.  The victim was a kindergarten teacher who graduated from the University of Maine at Farmington.  She had 2 children.  The findings of our report were submitted to the Maine Domestic Violence Homicide Review Board in November, 2011.  We received a positive response from government sources and women's groups throughout Maine who found our report thoughtful and timely.  We generated over 50 recommendations for police, counselors, and the judiciary to combat the problem of domestic violence.  It can happen anywhere.  College campuses are not immune to the pernicious effects of this imbalance of power.  One in four woman experience domestic violence in her lifetime.  I am a University of Southern Maine graduate and I read The Maine Campus online news regularly.  Recently there have been reports of sexual assaults in campus dormitories.  Research suggests that police are notified about intimate partner violence only after the 9th incident.  By then the emotional abuse may have transitioned into physical violence and a demand for secrecy.  There should be zero tolerance for domestic abuse.  

Domestic violence homicide results from the insidious mistreatment of intimate partners and are usually preceded by red flags like jealousy, intimidation, and sexual aggression.  Violence is impossible to predict with 100 percent certainty but if you are in a relationship where aggression and threats ever occur you are at greater risk for being killed by your boyfriend or girlfriend than a complete stranger.  It is no difference in college than it might be in other relationship settings.  

Intimate partners should not intimidate nor bully one another and this must stop the first time it occurs.  Red flags include irrational anger, lack of empathy, symbolic intimidation, and refusal to take 'no' for an answer.  One sad fact we learned in the recent domestic violence homicide was that people knew what was going to happen.  Family members of the murderer told us that they were aware of his anger "never expected him to take the children."  They knew of this and said nothing to anyone until 4 people were dead.  Effective reduction of domestic violence means that victims need to trust someone - and speak up.  If you know that someone is being abused you must tell someone.  It can save the life of a friend or family member.  It might save your own life.  I was asked several times why I participated in the behavioral analysis of someone who was now gone?  What good can come from a creepy retrospective like this?  

The answer was that to do nothing would be a further act of inhumanity.  Along with 3 other good friends, we talked with over 65 people with direct knowledge of the abuser and the victims.  Family members and friends each with their own perspective.  At times, the shared pain became unbearable.  One cannot listen to such heartfelt expressions of loss without being changed and moved.  Domestic violence is a scourge in relationships everywhere - including idyllic Orono, ME and on campuses everywhere.  The lives of people in Dexter, Dover-Foxcroft, Harmony, and throughout New England were left reeling by the conflagration of violence that occurred on June 13.  The medical examiner acknowledged that "even though the abuser received some mental health counseling it was apparent, in retrospect, that the degree of violence and anger possessed by the abuser was not realized."  No one could imagine what would happen to the Lake family on that day.

The specter of intimate partner abuse may be the secret affliction that derails interpersonal attachment and empathy.  There is no place in a marriage or courtship for threats or intimidation or aggression.  College students experience physical assault at the hands of someone they know regularly.  Human relationships experience intimacy and attachment like no other species. What sets human beings apart is the capacity to empathize and feel what others feel.  If we loose sight of this we loose that which makes us human and become something less.

Michael Sefton, Ph.D.

An Empty Place at the Table - A Mother’s Wail

Michael Sefton, Ph.D.

A parent knows when something is wrong with their child.  They can see it and feel it simply by looking at the face of a son or daughter.  There is an energy one feels when looking upon your child’s face like when you come for parent pick-up in the afternoon.  The actions of Adam Lanza denuded all that is true and precious.

The inexplicable violence brought forth against children in Connecticut represents a new measure of evil that will stain the pallet of life forever for all who directly exposed.  The events of December 14^th leave us with an emptiness that scorches the threads of what make us each human.  The DNA of what we call family is a child’s place at the table of life.  A mother wails from the now empty place at the table. 

Can you imagine the unthinkable pain of suddenly losing a child at the hands of a sadistic, inhuman, malefactor.  The pain of loss is suffocating to those whose children are now gone.  Religious leaders and other experts know this.  There is nothing that can be said to relieve the suffering - except time.  A mother wails for her child from the terror and affliction through which they went before they were taken.  How can she go on knowing this?  Seeing this is unbearable and incompatible with life as she knows it.  Her place at life’s table too will be forever changed.

No parent should have to wait for news of a child’s fate and be forced to watch as terrified children are led from the safety of their school into a new reality where no one is spared from violence in these times that we live.  No parent should have to look at the photograph of their ravaged little boy or girl just to identify them for the    last time.  A mother wails at what she must do.  And the child-size coffin she must look upon in torment that contains her child and now contains her life.

We all wail for the children of Newtown and children everywhere who suffer the fate of misguided rage and one's forsaken mental health.  More should be done to understand the issues leading to the unconscionable violence causing unbridled pain and a mother's desperate wail.