What are the early signs?

ABUSE HAS EARLY STOPPING POINTS

NEW BRAINTREE, MA July 20, 2012  - There are usually points in time during intimate relationships when partners become angry at one another.  This is a normal part of the evolution of the relationship and and comes as two separate identities attempt to form an intimate dyad.  Physical violence is not part of this growth process, in fact, violence destroys intimacy and trust.  Violence is often a sign of insecurity on the part of the controlling partner representing the worst fears and deeply felt guilt, shame, and anger.  The abusive spouse often leaves a trail of victims in his past starting as early as middle school.  These failed relationships serve as an important warning to new girlfriends and boyfriends.

As recently as July 8, a Massachusetts state representative was arrested for domestic violence when he allegedly punched and choked a person with whom he had only recently established an intimate relationship. Obviously the victim was on her guard when the man telephoned her at 2 AM insisting that they go out for a ride during which he would not allow her out of his vehicle and punched and choked her resulting in her desperate jump from the moving vehicle. Were there any sign before this event that the man had a proclivity to such control and violence? Stopping points refer to the subtle red flags that should put a hold on a relationship until such behaviors can be identified and reconciled. For example, on the first date a man says "I can't see you wearing that blouse to work every guy would be staring at your chest." This statement is a subtle red flag and should put a stop in further intimacy until the meaning behind it can be explored. Pathological jealousy is often part of early intimate partner violence. 

Choking and stealing the cell phones of intimate partners are containment points and far exceed what should be considered a normal part of the dating relationship.  When these behaviors occur it is best to do whatever is necessary to protect oneself.

Just as you might put a stop to a door to door salesman pitching kitchen knives, early jealousy must be stopped before it moves to the next unpredictable level as it quickly did in Boston in July.

NY Times features photographer

PHOTOGRAPHY DEPICTS CHAOS AND EMOTIONS

New Braintree, MA - July 8, 2012  In early July the NY Times LENS Section featured a story written by James Estrin on the photographs of Donna Ferrato a gifted photographer and author.  Ms Ferrato has at least 2 books of photographs that show the anguish and chaos that festers in the homes of the abused and has been depicting them since the early 1980's.  Her book "Living with the Enemy" has brought this subject to life.  The photographer actually lived with many of the couples featured in her images in a surreal effort to capture the emotions.  She did capture emotion and in doing so became involved with some of the abusers first hand.  The photographs are painful to see - especially the images of the terrified children trapped in their environments.  The primal fear and anger exhibited by some of the child victims is palpable as their rage erupts both in the wishful protection of a parent and in some cases the unbridled attempt to model a violent family member - child against child.  I can only imagine the storm of emotions captured in the hundreds of photographs captured by Donna Ferrato.  I recommend you read Mr. Estrin's article.