When domestic violence starts in high school

NEW BRAINTREE, MA March 24, 2013  The topic of dating violence has been of increasing interest to social scientists and others working with adolescents.  Most physicians make the subject of dating violence a regular part of the interview process by asking questions about jealousy, over control and violence with their boyfriends or girlfriends.  Parents are urged to keep open communication with their adolescent children as they begin having dating relationships.  The average teenager goes out on a "first date" when he or she is about 14 years of age.  How do you do this when peer relationships tend to take on greater importance once kids get into high school?

First and foremost for parents with teens who are dating is a set of rules and an agreed upon curfew.  The rules must include a zero tolerance policy for drinking and drugging.  Across the United States the legal drinking age is 21 year old.  A teen who comes home smelling of beer has broken the law and is subject to arrest.  Younger teens should go out with a group of friends.  Having rules like these can help a nervous teenager handle the pressures of dating.  Early on in a relationship it is customary that the dating pair may be driven to and from a movie theater by one of the parents.  This helps with parental control over curfews and what stops are made on the way home. Arguably, curfews are meant to be tested but in healthy homes the breach of curfew can  be handled with a subtle correction and reasonable consequences.  It is very important to get to know the person who has asked to take your prized possession out on a date.  This way you can form an impression of him with your own eyes and ears.  See how comfortable he or she is with a short visit with mom and dad.  I encourage parents to limit their kids day time encounters - staying local.  A red flag goes up when dates start going 1-2 hours away for concerts, etc.

Dating violence takes place is less than obvious ways and usually starts as controlling jealousy. Something as innocuous as being told what to wear may signal an underlying attempt at unhealthy control.  Dating violence is almost always kept secret from a set of parents. This was brought to bear upon the parents of Lauren Astley, a Wayland, MA teenager who was murdered in 2010 after breaking up with a long-time boyfriend.  Convicted murderer Nathaniel Fujita could not take no for an answer and pushed his victim to meet him privately following a high school graduation party when she was killed.  Fujita repeatedly sent text messages to Astley seeking her attention.  D.V. Profilers want young women to take extra time when getting into an intimate relationship with eyes wide open.

Signs of dating abuse are the obvious bumps and bruises and should trigger a call to police when discovered.  Changes in behavior, like secrecy, may signal signs of stress and coercion in a dating relationship.  Professional help is needed whenever a person threatens suicide after a break-up.